i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
