I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
