Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
dude. I can hear the air.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
