This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
