you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
me + whiskey = a bad person
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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