I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
