he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
