i need an iv and a liver transplant
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
