Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
