we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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