Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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