I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Success! We fucked roommates!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
