I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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