so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
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