I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
