i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
