Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
