I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
