awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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