What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
