if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
