dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
