Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I could fuck to npr.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
