Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
