I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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