New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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