over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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