I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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