I skipped work to stalk him.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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