now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
