Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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