Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
