I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
