Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
