his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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