I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
