I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
two words: eviction party
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Randomize
