giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
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I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
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I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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