how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
