this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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