i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My vagina is officially offended.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
