You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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