Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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