WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You may now shotgun with the bride
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
