They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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