On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Randomize
