From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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