Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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