i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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