3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
