If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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