one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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