Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
